What Is a Driver? The 5 Unconscious Commands That Keep Pushing You

A driver is an unconscious command that pushes you on without end: “I am only OK if I do it this way.” It is the internalized form of a childhood condition — “I am loved only when I…” — and although it usually looks like a strength, it burns us out when it goes too far.

The five drivers

• Be Perfect — even when you have done enough, you always feel it falls short.
• Please Others — other people’s moods come before your own needs. You cannot refuse.
• Try Hard — you cling to “the process of trying” more than to the result, and cannot finish.
• Be Strong — you cannot show weakness. You cannot ask for help.
• Hurry Up — you are always rushed and pressed for time. Having time to spare makes you anxious.

How do drivers wear us out?

A driver is the engine of “conditional self-esteem.” Because you believe you are only OK “if I am perfect” or “if I am strong,” you cannot relax however well you do, and you keep whipping yourself on. When this goes on for a long time, it leads to burnout, to chronic anxiety, and to relationship problems in which you hold even the people close to you to the same standard.

Finding balance — the message of permission

For each driver there is a permission that releases it. For “Be Perfect” it is “I am enough as I am.” For “Be Strong” it is “It’s OK to ask for help.” Change starts with knowing which driver you are tied to most tightly.